When did being available become a personality trait?
Somewhere along the line, I learned that being “good” meant being reachable. I was the yes-girl. The sure-I-can-do-that woman. The always-on colleague, the over-delivering consultant, the flexible friend. I wore my responsiveness like a badge of honour. Quick replies. Last-minute favours. One more thing squeezed into a diary already groaning under the weight of other people’s needs. At first, it looked like reliability, but eventually it started to look like exhaustion.
What I didn’t know then (but do now) is that my over-availability wasn’t kindness. It was fear. Fear of being seen as difficult. Of letting people down. Of being left out, passed over, or (worst of all) disliked.
So I kept saying yes, even when I meant no. And I did it with a smile.
The culture of “sure, no problem”
We live in a world where being agreeable is still disproportionately expected of certain people; women, marginalised groups, and those early in their careers. We’re praised for being team players, for being flexible, for “just making it work”. We’re told that ambition is great, but approachability is better. That boundaries are fine, in theory, but that they shouldn’t inconvenience anyone.
The result? A culture where we burn ourselves out trying to be liked, useful, and nice. And the irony is, the more you say yes to everyone else, the less space there is for your own desires, needs and goals to fit inside your life.
Why boundaries feel so hard (even when we know better)
It’s not that we don’t understand the concept. Boundaries are all over Instagram now with pretty quotes in soft pastels reminding us that “No is a full sentence”. Don’t get me wrong, I think they’re right, but knowing something isn’t the same as living it because in practice, setting boundaries can feel awkward, selfish, or even dangerous. Especially if:
You’re used to being the reliable one
You’ve been rewarded for overextending yourself
You’ve seen what happens when people don’t play along
And let’s be honest, there’s a difference between knowing you need to say no to protect your peace, and actually hitting send on the “Sorry, I can’t take that on right now” email.
We think boundaries will push people away but they do the opposite
Here’s the shift that changed everything for me: boundaries aren’t walls. They’re clarity. They say, “Here’s how I can show up in a way that’s honest and sustainable.” They’re not about rejection, they’re about relationship. Boundaries work both ways; when someone sets a boundary with me, I don’t see them as selfish. I see them as clear. I trust them more, not less. Imagine if we applied that same compassion to ourselves.
Try this reframe
What if boundaries weren’t about saying no? What if they were about saying yes to the version of you that’s not stretched thin and gritting her teeth through another commitment she never wanted to take on in the first place? Yes to space. Yes to rest. Yes to doing fewer things, better. Yes to being known, not just for how much you give, but for knowing when you’ve given enough.
Want to go deeper?
We unpack all of this and more in this week’s episode of the UN/DO podcast, “Let’s talk about...boundaries (and why you need them)”. It’s a frank, funny, and deeply relatable conversation about how boundaries work in real life, especially when they feel hard to set.
Listen here if this one hits a nerve (in a good way).
A thought to leave you with
You are not less valuable when you are unavailable. You are not more professional because you reply to emails at midnight. And you do not owe your energy to anyone who assumes you don’t need it for yourself. Working well doesn’t mean being always-on. Sometimes it means stepping back, tuning in, and quietly deciding: Not this time.
Because boundaries aren’t a rejection of others.
They’re an act of protection for you.
